Janus 9
Chapter 9
Right from the start I wanted to bring up the issue of my sexuality with Elly, I didn’t want any secrets between us. Initially though, I’d been wary of broaching the subject because I didn’t think she was ready psychologically, given all that she had been through. So I took time, watching and loving her, waiting for an opportune moment to open up to her and clear the air.
I knew that Elly was fond of Roper, the last thing I wanted was to spoil it for her, by going into ‘that incident’ which by then had receded in a distant blur. My days were filled with thoughts of the future and us: the thinks we would do, the plans we had, the dreams that we started to formulate together.
Most of all, I didn’t want to risk Elly’s rejection, for these reasons I deliberated for months, mentally rehearsing a script which I kept revising almost every day. In the end my reservations were washed down by an indefinite number of tia marias (Elly went dry the minute she discovered she was pregnant) consumed on a Saturday night after a pub meal.
Elly did not flinch as I started telling her, in a slurred voice, about my sexual fantasies ‘in a different life, back in the past, long before I met you’. She appeared mildly amused at first, then her forehead gathered as she strained to catch the sense of what I was saying. I kept rambling on, trying to delay the telling and diffuse the impact with a long preamble, when she snapped at me.
‘I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me, Janus.’
‘Sorry, I’m not making much sense…’
‘You’re not…’
‘It’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while…’
Elly’s bottom lip started to tremble; her face became taut.
‘Is this your way of telling me you want out?’
Outrage made me angry.
‘No Elly, how can you say that! There is nothing else I want in the world than to be with you. Nothing.’
She studied me silently as I held my breath.
‘Then, what’s this bullshit you’re breaking a sweat over?’
I had never seen her so angry, she was almost shouting and I noticed that the barman threw furtive glances our way. I lowered my voice to a whisper.
‘Nothing… I thought…’
Now she too was whispering.
‘Look Janus, is there someone else?’
‘Of course not. The idea!… I love you Elly.’
‘Do you want this baby, Janus?’
‘Yes, yes Elly, more than anything.’
‘Good. That’s all that matters. The rest is nonsense. I don’t even want to know, whatever it is. I’m having a great night and I won’t let you spoil it. Let’s go home, you’re in no state to drive. Give me the keys, I’ll take the wheel.’
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Comments
Lady S.
I must say I agree with Elly. You’ve both reached a joyous phase in your lives, why spoil it over some silly incident from the past.
Salubrius
I’m not so sure about that, Lady S, couples should be open with each other. All too often secrets can kill a relationship.
Amby
Salubrius, you’re such a self-righteous prig. I wonder what your story is? No, don’t bother telling me, I don’t want to be bored with it. But there’s no doubt in my mind that you’ve got some skeletons stowed away in some prurient space of your existence. Not closetted are we perchance?
Airies (and proud of it)
His name’s not Salubrius it’s Salacious.
Salubrius
I’m not responding to this cheap provocation.
Lady S.
Janus, I knew that you would be happy one day. You’re such an honourable man.
Cynic2
Lady S. methinks you’re soft on old Janus, or whatever his real name is. I wonder why?
Lizzie 86
And you, Cynic, judge everyone by your own non-standards.
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Audio by John Brennan
Voices by Suno
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