Elly, Mr Roper’s assistant, had preceded me to the job by almost a year, but I was yet to meet her, as she was on extended sick leave lasting several months. In the days prior to her return Mr Roper warned me,
‘You’ll need to tread lightly, Elly’s very fragile at present. She’s only just beginning to come out of a crisis.’
What that crisis was he didn’t say. In my head I had formed the image of a slight, highly-strung girl. When I arrived to start the afternoon shift and saw a girl in the aisle sifting through the shelves I took her to be a customer. Nothing Roper had said prepared me for the dark-haired woman with an intense, distant look, like she inhabited another world. Her frizzy hair was tightly brushed, parted down the middle of her head, pulled to one side at the back to fall on one shoulder, leaving the other bare. My first thought was, I know this girl, where have I seen her?
For most of the day she avoided my gaze and her body language conveyed the message to steer clear, that she was in no mood for social niceties. But then, near the end of her working shift, it was she who spoke to me.
‘Has Peter warned you about me?’
More surprising still, her tone had the familiarity of someone I knew well, like she was reprising a conversation started recently.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I can tell he has, by the way you looked at me when you came in today.’
Her directness did not put me off, on the contrary, it indicated that she was ready to accept me. More than that, it felt like there was a visceral connection between us, although where it came from or how it could be, I hadn’t the foggiest. It was weird and exciting at the same time. I got a strong sensation that she was someone I had been wanting to meet for a long time, or even - let me push the boat out here - that we were destined to meet. Happily, that interpretation suited me very well at that point of my life.
‘Well, you’ve definitely misread me.’ I said, adopting a light-hearted tone to hide my nervousness, ‘Anyway, what’s there to be warned about?’
My question was merely rhetorical. I didn’t want to know this girl’s past. I didn’t want it to spoil the image of her that had formed in my head. And Elly just looked away, letting the question weigh in the air mysteriously. I wasn’t sure what was stronger in me, curiosity or fear of what she might reveal. One thing was sure, Elly’s fragile temperament, the possibility that she could snap at any moment, for some reason excited me. I found it hard to take my eyes off her. Still, I realized that she needed time to recover from her trauma, for that reason I didn’t press her. All I could do at that point was wait.
Mr Roper could not be more pleased about Elly’s return. He was clearly fond of her and seeing how well Elly and I were getting on put him in a good mood. The pensive, downcast man I knew, became quite jovial. He smiled frequently and gave both of us a kindly eye.
Winter was at an end and spring was easing us into days of glorious sunshine. One day Mr Roper looked outside and said,
‘What a great day! Why don’t you two have your lunch out there. I’ll take care of things in here for a bit.’
‘He’s the best,’ commented Elly as we walked out.
‘Yeah.’ I agreed, and I meant it.
Having lunch in the nearby park, became a daily ritual for Elly and I. A couple of weeks later, in between bites of salmon and lettuce sandwich, I was made privy to her drama. Elly’s boyfriend, her first ‘real’ boyfriend, was nearly 8 years older, unemployed and carrying a container of baggage. ‘A loser’, according to her parents, who did everything they could to bring their daughter to her senses. The effect was to drive her closer to him and before long 22 year-old Elly had moved in with 30 year-old Reece.
It didn’t take long for Elly to realize that her parents were right. Reece’s main interest in her was to help him pay the rent and share household chores. And it got worse, the same week she discovered that he was still seeing his ex- and mother of his child- Elly found out that she was pregnant. Her second attempt to miscarry was successful, though the whole experience was so traumatic that resulted in a long hospitalization and months of depression.
Elly’s story made me feel tender and protective. I wanted to comfort her, ease her pain, make her smile. At the same time, it flattered me that such luminous creature should take an interest in me to the point of confiding her innermost hurts. I glowed in the warmth of that trust.
‘Sorry to burden you with all this shit,' she said, 'God knows what you must think of me. I don’t ever carry on like this with people.’
Elly hugged herself and shivered, as if that emotional outpouring had left her cold. I felt my eyes go moist.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’ll be OK, Janus. You don’t need to worry about me, I’m pretty resilient.’
Again, she was misreading me. Sure, she had gone through a rough time but had come out the other end stronger, free to restart. I thought that was admirable. I wanted to be part of her new life. But at that point I just wanted to ease her profound anguish. I cast out my arm on the back of the park seat, not daring rest it on her shoulder. I ran my hand tentatively down her arm. She slid across the seat and her head came to rest against my chest. I buried my face into her mass of hair, took in the scents of her body. It felt like a homecoming after a long, long journey.
I was totally unprepared for the impact Elly was to have on my life. She seemed at the same time strong and fragile, knowing and naïve, impulsive one minute, cautious and scared the next. I let myself be tossed by those counter-currents of emotions. It made me feel protective. I was just 21 and Elly 24. Her eyes, awash with tears, stirred in me feelings of tenderness. My urge to comfort her, mingled with desire to be with her and it felt very much like love. An involuntary shiver ran through my body.
‘Are you cold?’ She asked.
‘I’m good. Never felt better. Too much static, I reckon.’
We both laughed.
I was too young to realize that her need for me was the result of her insecurities and it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. And I must admit, it flattered my ego that such beautiful creature should want me. In other words, our love was at least in part born out of mutual need and entrenched insecurities. Each was looking for something and had found it in the other. And at that age, you’re not inclined to reason out your moves, rather you are driven by impulses, by the urge to experience and to discover. I was eager to dive into the complex world of adult love.
We became each other’s obsession. In between serving customers and preparing scripts we eyed each other constantly as if to ensure that the other was still there. In books, in movies, love is simplified, filtered, refined for easy absorption. In real life- at least in the reality of my life- love has been multi-layered. It’s always mingled with sublimation of self and other, with generosity of spirit on one hand and with insecurities and needs on the other. Yes, all of these were part of that mix that came to bond us. Another was Peter Roper. Elly idolised him.
‘He’s just a great guy, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for his support.’
Our courtship over the next few weeks was conducted in the presence of “the boss” who seemed totally oblivious to the furtive looks, the whispers, the intimacies we exchanged in the confines of the pharmacy. Even though we had spent the day together, we could not stand staying away from each other at day's end. The nights belonged to the two of us.
It wasn’t long before I wanted Elly and I to move in together. Given her past experience, Elly was more cautious and resisted for a while. During this time we became inseparable. I was hooked on Elly and I had never been so happy.
__________________
Comments
Lizzie86
“At the same time it flattered my ego that such a luminous creature would take an interest in me.”
Just as I thought, this so-called love is about yourself, your vanity, your gratification. Nothing unusual there. Men are like that, driven by ego and the urge to compete. No wonder the world is in such a mess.
Aries (and proud of it)
And is that the men’s fault?
Lizzie86
Well it’s mostly men who have held power in the past. Luckily things are starting to change. About time.
Aries (and proud of it)
You don’t like men, do you Lizzie dear.
Lizzie86
I definitely don’t like men like you. And don’t patronize me.
Pascal
I don’t want to sound pessimistic, but I fear that a relationship based on the insecurities of both individuals, will be difficult to sustain.
Cynic 2
Agree, but, good luck to them, they’ll need it.
Lady S.
They’ve both been through rough times, yes, but now they’ve found each other and they’re happy. All I see is two young people in love and I think it’s beautiful. Where is your sense of romance, Cynic?
Red Anna
He never had any.
___________________________________________________________________________
Audio by John Brennan
____________________________________________________________________________