Janus 15
Dear Janus,
Sorry about leaving like this, before you got back, without explaining in person. You, deserved that much and more. The fact is I didn’t want any more drama, enough of that already. Besides, I think I can explain better in writing. Not much better though because, if truth be told, I am still trying to figure out the situation myself. And I’m not sure I can. Let me at least try.
No doubt you’ll be baffled when I tell you that, while I have now chosen to share my life with another man, you are still the one person I feel closest to. Confused? I am too and I think that writing this is also a means of seeking a path out of the emotional labyrinth I’ve been in, since the death of our daughter.
So, why have I taken this decision? Let me begin with another question, why did I marry you in the first place? The answer is brutally simple, because when you came along I was at a very low point of my life and meeting you rescued me from myself, literally. Yes, I admit it, I took you from a position of weakness. Now, there’s a premise that’s sure to sabotage a relationship.
Of course that’s not how I read it then. The truth is all too often elusive, strange, sometimes uncomfortable. It appears even more twisted in times of crisis. And no, I didn’t opt for a convenient half-truth. When I first met you I didn’t pretend to you or to myself, that I had fallen in love with you. But I did find you to be a very thoughtful man, dependable and, unlike me, open to the world. Most importantly, I believed it when you told me you loved me, or at least that you believed it. I didn’t love you then, and actually I never said I did, while you – ever the considerate man - never required me to say it. And, eventually love did come. I may have been a little down at times (old habits die hard) but I found being with you a great comfort, and very reassuring. I didn’t want to be anywhere else. With you I found my fit in a world that, until then, had seemed confusing and often hostile. My days were spent waiting for the evening when we could be together, just the two of us. Our Sundays proceeded like a ritual. After a lie-in, we made love, deep snoozed, then we’d cook a meal, plan an outing. In short, you became essential to my well being, or to put it another way, I came to depend on you.
With that kind of need comes insecurity and jealousy. You did not seem to be aware of it, but I could see desire in the eyes of women, younger and prettier than me, as their gaze lingered over you. You of course were quick to protest that I was imagining it, and maybe I was.
All those fears were all but forgotten with the arrival of Jess. The child that we managed to have together secured our bond. That one event remade our world, at least for me. It marked the culmination of our happiness, the point at which I believed most strongly that our union was– to use a much-abused cliché - made in heaven.
Unfortunately, heaven had another plan for Jess and when she was taken away from us so cruelly, the whole surreal structure that held up our union, for me collapsed. For months I kept asking myself why? What had she done to deserve such fate? What had we done? Questions without sense, without answers and for that reason they should never be asked, because to do so is to repudiate life itself. So, I stopped asking myself questions but in time I realized that home was no longer the space I loved to return to at the end of the day, but a memory from which I wanted to escape.
Which brings me to Alistair. Now, Alistair can never be a husband in the traditional norm. And that suits me fine. I think he wanted a substitute mother or maybe an older sister, roles I am comfortable in filling. It makes me feel useful, and for me that’s important. I get on with my life and Alistair with his. No frictions, no jealousies, no dramas. Dull? Yes, but at this stage of my life dull suits me well. As you yourself pointed out, even though for us the world has changed irretrievably, we need to get back in it, such as it is.
I feel bad about this to you Janus, but I’m confident it won’t last. Let’s face it, I have been a stick in the mud for you. I’ve always thought there was a whole lot of untested you, and maybe a shake-up like this could be the trigger to get you going.
As for your sexuality, I’m not sure if that’s not just an excuse, a form of escape or maybe your way of dealing with the trauma we’ve had. The fact that you may have done sex with another male, or fantasized about it, does not make you gay or bi. The Janus I know is fully male. I have mentioned my theory about you- and it’s only a theory mind you. Bi is just a term you resort to, to assert your freedom from a possessive partner and from a constricting society, for that matter. Bi is like saying, I’m different, you can’t slot me into this or that space. Bi is a form of rebellion, a provocation, a challenge to society, a refusal to be seen as ‘normal’, if you like. Bi is a form of vanity, a conceit, an affectation. It’s the ultimate ego trip. It’s like standing up to the world and shouting out loud, ‘Look at me, I’m different, I’m unique. And I’m not afraid.’
Whoever you are, you owe it to yourself to explore it. I, mother of that exceptional creature that was our daughter, have given you back your freedom to venture out there and discover who you really are, or want to be, or can be. You should be grateful, Janus”.
I raised my eyes from the page, scanned around the empty living room and saw that the urn containing our daughter’s ashes was gone from the top of the piano. And at that moment a terrifying truth hit me, that all that was left of my family were the memories. And words.
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Comments
Red Anna
Can’t say I like this woman. Too self-absorbed. Too much of a prima donna. Too neurotic, It’s enough to make you feel sorry for Janus.
Lady S
On the contrary, I find her very reasonable. This letter shows her in a different light. The way I read it, she presents the situation with clarity. No histrionics, no drama. And she shows signs of genuine feelings, even generosity.
Cynic2
So, she leaves her husband and shacks up with another man, and you think that’s reasonable? On top of that she makes it sound like she’s doing it to save him. Give me a break.
Lady S.
Yes I do, but I can see that the finer nuances of human emotions would be beyond the grasp of a cynic.
Sushy Lover
‘The Janus I know is fully male.’
You mean to say that gay or bi men are not fully male?
That’s rubbish.
Red Anna
I don’t see how this arrangement is going to make either of them happy. Elly just seems more confused than ever. Fancy leaving her husband and moving in with a gay man. What good are they to each other? I don’t get it.
Salubrius
I get it. Not all relationships need to be based on sexual attraction.
Red Anna
Salubrius, it would be nice if once, just once, you got off your pulpit, and stopped preaching at us.
Lizzy 86
There is no doubt that this story is written by a male. It treads a long-established path in the way that men have portrayed women in history. It’s the woman that’s erratic, needy, while the man is subjected to her whims. Typical male stance. Us women know better. In abusive relationships it’s usually the man who is the aggressor while women get bashed or worse.
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