Janus 13
JANUS 13
Let me cut to the chase, this story is getting too painful for me to recall. I left home to save our marriage. Coincidentally (but are these things ever just a coincidence?) an offer came up to run a three-month training course in Kuala Lumpur for a multinational. Normally I would send a staff member to do it, this time I had a rethink. Maybe Elly had a point, a brief separation might be some good for both of us, but I needed some reassurances. When I told Elly I was thinking about going myself she settled a bit and became more amenable to talk.
‘What about this man, Alistair?’
Elly hesitated,
‘He’s a good friend.’
‘That’s not the impression I got.’
‘Those so-called letters were never sent. That was just me letting off… I don’t know… a bunch of things probably. He is gay, if that’s any comfort to you.’
‘Gay? Then what are you doing with him?’
‘Nothing, that's just it. I feel safe with him.’
Given that Elly and I hadn’t had sex in months that seemed like a curious remark.
‘I don’t make any demands on you, Elly. I’ve accepted the situation.’
‘That’s true,’ she conceded, ‘and I appreciate it, because sex has been the furthest thing from my mind, but it’s not fair on you, and I feel bad about it.’
‘Well,’ I said, feeling encouraged by her conciliatory tone. I wanted to open up to her, ‘when it comes to sex I too have my complications.’
‘What complications?’
‘You know, I discussed it with you when we first met.’
Elly had to think about that for a moment, while I considered the irony of painting myself more gay to win back my wife.
‘Oh that, I don’t think you’re in the same category as Alistair at all. If you want my opinion I think you’re a bit...’
She hesitated. Now, what adjective was she going to use? Confused, complex, frustrated?
‘Bored,’ she said, ‘I think you spend too much time in that pharmacy. And then, to top it all, you come home to a wife like me. Hardly the kind of life for a virile man.’
I was dumbfounded at the turn the conversation. Was she humouring me?Patronizing me? Was she inviting me to start looking elsewhere for sex?
‘Elly, I have never been unfaithful to you.’
‘Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that you had, or would. You’re too honourable for that.’ Was that sarcasm? Would Elly have respected me more if I had somehow acted on my impulses and sought pleasure elsewhere? This wild possibility held sway for a moment and quickly dissipated ‘But I can see by the way you look at women that you are frustrated.’
Of course, I have always liked women and I can’t say that the attention they gave me from time to time has been wholly unwelcome, but it has never gone beyond a look of appreciation or friendly exchange. It struck me as ironic that any looks of desire she may have detected in my eyes were just as likely directed at a man as a woman. It’s one of the many ironies in my life.
‘More to the point,’ she proceeded, ‘I see the way some women look at you, as if they’d be eager to get you on a fast track to their bed.’
‘Oh Elly, that’s ludicrous.’
‘Is it?’
‘Darling, you’re the only person I want. I love you.’
Elly studied me, and it felt like for the first time in months, that she was really looking at me. I was elated by that.
‘Yes,’ she said, earnestly, but there was no joy in her voice, on the contrary, she sounded like she was confiding the saddest of secrets, ‘yes, I believe you do.’
And then, just at point where I was starting to hope, I saw that she was staring at me with a look of profound pity and that she was crying. I went to put my arms around her and this once she let me, but her body was rigid and unresponsive.
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Note to the reader:
The commentators below are fictitious and part of the narrative.
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Comments
Airies(And proud of it)
“While I considered the irony of painting myself more gay to win back my wife.”
So, what are you saying, Janus, that there are degrees of gayness? And by what standards do you measure it?
Amby
Of course there are, Aries. That’s the basic premise of this blog. No doubt you believe, or rather, want us to believe yourself to be totally mono in orientation. Well, you may well be, and you proudly wear your moniker like the proverbial badge of honour. Best of luck with that, but just because the earth looks flat to you, it doesn’t mean that it is. Many of us have a more nuanced view and I for one am happy with how I see my world.
Lizzie 86
You’re beginning to sound like Pascal, Amby. Never thought I’d see the day.
Amby
I hope not.